Two Things I Swore I Would Never Do...

I tell you, it must be love because I would NEVER do this shit for anyone.

All my life I have said I would never go on a cruise. I mean I just hated the concept. Yes, I admit, I was an utter snob about it. Cruise types looked like terrible people to me! (Don’t be mad with me if you are reading this and you have gone on like, 300 cruises, ok? I told you, people can change!)

I used to think of cruise excursions as cattle being herded around by some over zealous, tanned, accented youth holding a stick, with a smiley face on it and the cruise company logo…”Follow me for the totally made up tour of absolutely nowhere, where we end up in my uncle’s over-priced emerald store” etc etc.

Yes, I know, I was super judgy. I also used to work as a radio reporter and told so many stories of ghost ships floating out in the middle of nowhere, quarantined because someone ate a bad shrimp and now the whole ship has e-coli! (Need I mention Corona virus? Ok, too soon, sorry)

So, fast forward to late last year when dear Vik asks me what I would like for my biggish, milestone-ish birthday. I have a very simple response, I want three words:

Swim. Up. Bar

In her perfectionista, over researching way she dives into the task of finding the perfect swim up bar and, over the following weeks, dangles several options in front of me - Cabo - no, it’s hurricane season in December, Dominican Republic - no, it’s too far for a quick getaway, Hawaii, no, too expensive etc etc. I begin to fear my fat ass will never sit in water whilst sipping on a fruity drink, till one day Vik comes to me to suggest that, instead of a Swim Up Bar, how would I like a Swim Up Ship?

A cruise? I say… No Effing Way!

But this is no ordinary cruise she says, this is a cruise with Olivia Travel olivia.com, the all female travel company.

A ship full of Lezzies?

And, as I mull it over, I begin to think how this actually could be quite an awesome idea: - not the cruise part (I am totally not sold at this point on the floating petri dish o’infection) but just the part about being only with women, our type of women. Sisters ahoy! Yeah, that part sounds great to me. I acquiesce and she books.

As we draw near the departure date, I really start to get into it and check out websites for Cruise Tips.. I research and book our excursions, join the Cruise’s Facebook page (yes they have one - so cool). I check on it almost every day and hear from women from all over the world on count down to their vacay. I begin to see that we have joined quite a special club of ‘Olivians’. Ladies are posting pics of freezing cold conditions claiming “T-8 days till we leave…” and “I won’t be sorry to leave all this snow..” and “ I am traveling solo for this cruise, any other solos want to meet me for drinks the night before we leave at the Hilton Garden Inn?” It’s a community that begins way before the holiday and (I come to find out) a long time after it ends. It’s a lifelong community.

We take the red eye to Ft Lauderdale and line up to embark the giant ship, we make friends in the line, make plans to meet for drinks before the Indigo Girls concert! Our state room is awesome, we can see the sunrise, the ship glides effortlessly through the ocean, the carpet in the elevator tells you what day it is, the sun is shining, the food is fantastic (no dodgy shrimp), we chat to amazing women with amazing stories, we sing together - it’s like lesbian summer camp! Safe, inclusive, warm, welcoming…plus we pre-ordered three bottles of vodka for our room so all is right with the world.

PLUS we got to do a duet on stage for live karaoke night (Vik made me do it!). The vodka in the room came in handy and I had several swigs before the performance (ok, I had some extra in my ‘water’ canister in my handbag). The issue was that I thought that nobody came to live karaoke night, I mean there are 12 bars on the ship and lots more fun things to do right? But, I was so totally wrong. There were no seats left in the house. You see what I mean, it’s summer camp! Everyone is there to cheer you on, this is a captive and supportive audience! Brilliant, rare!

So… it was all a bit of blur up there but the wee dram(s) certainly brought Dutch courage and I found myself singing ( and shimmiy-ing apparently)! A harken back to my thespian days of yester-year! And, by the way, look out because I do see a repeat performance on our 2021 Cruise. Yes, by God - we are coming back again! We won a two for one deal and well…I mean…you can’t turn that down!

So, I can safely say I did not hate the cruise. It was in fact wonderful. We swam with some amazingly slimy and weirdly friendly sting rays, tasted tequila, went underwater with some very bizarre underwater scooters and kayaked in the mangroves. We also met some new BFFs (R and E) and are already planning to summer with them in Vermont (they don’t know it yet though!!!).

Olivia is the great brain child of founder Judy Dlugacz and what a mighty little kingdom she has created. A kingdom that has changed my mind about cruises, ok, not totally, because I will only ever go on Olivia cruises but there has been a shift, my friends, there has been a shift!

Oh, and what’s the other thing I swore I would never do? I can’t even bear to admit it because I really had to dig so deep for this one (for Vik’s belated birthday gift). Actually I had to dig really deep into my wallet AND deep into my comfort zone… Wait for it…

We went to see Barry Manilow in Vegas!

There, I have admitted it.

And, to be honest, the old geezer still has some magic left in him. Ok, so I am also confessing here that I may have even sung along to a tune or two….(I mean you can’t not know that her name was Lola and that she was a show-girl)

Phew - that was hard to admit!

But truthfully, the best part of it (and the reason we do the things we really don’t want to do) was watching my Victoria weeping through the songs of her childhood, remembering her bedroom in upstate New York, little ear glued to the radio waiting to hear ‘her’ Barry - her first (and only) male crush!

(It’s easy to see why she became a lesbian!)

The weird giant stingrays

Cleavage!

I ‘may’ be a little trashed!

My girl in blowy hair mode…

Selfie!

Barry!