I know you probably get a hundred of these letters every day, but, I was wondering, would you two like to come over for dinner?

I know!  I know!  Why in hell would you want to, but I will ask you anyway - just on the off-chance you might find yourself in the vicinity - in our hood!  I decided, after the Womens' March on Washington, (which I attended, by the way, with my partner and a group of sassy like-minded brilliant women from Laguna Beach) that I have to make 2017 the year of speaking my intentions loudly, so, here goes...

BARACK AND MICHELLE - PLEASE COME FOR DINNER!  We have so very much to talk about and it will be a blast!

How did this all come about you might ask?  Well, you know those games where you ask each other, if you could have ANYONE in history over for dinner, (dead or alive) who would it be? Well, you two always came out on the top of my list!  Occasionally, (depending on the group I was with) I might throw in a decoy - like Mother Theresa, (a bit of a yawn really though she is terrific and noble! But, how much fun would we have?) or, other times, I would suggest some artsy film director with an unpronounceable Spanish name, or perhaps even Ellen... but, Obamas, in the back of my head, I truly always wanted both of you. Awe, ain't that sweet!

So, the dealio is, to start with, we'd probably have some Trader Joe's Shrimp Toast or Stuffed Mushrooms and some assorted cheese and olives (my Mediterranean Girl always adds her flair). Likely, we'd also kick things off with a signature cocktail - a martini... The Obam-a-tini?  You would probably want to pet our smelly old labs. Warning - I'm afraid that dear old Sally and Gordon are not quite as sprightly (and hypoallergenic) as Bo and Sunny, but they are quite fabulous and loyal (and hairy) specimens none the less! 

In my divorce, I got the dogs and all the children!  Bonus!  No shared custody apparently, so, we have muddled through - living in a weird, old falling down apartment initially, with no yard and horrid carpet, to finally landing in this lovely house I live in now, with the Mediterranean - actually she also has a bit o' the Irish mixed in too, to add some zest. 

So, we'd have to tell you our story probably - it's a good one though:  'Scottish, lesbian home-wrecker comes good in the end' sort of a vibe.  You would chuckle - against your better judgement -because I know you are all about family values, but our journey has been a story of love and resilience, so you two will approve.

I also have four brilliant daughters (a subject I know you two are familiar with) so we'll chat about them too.  How to raise a good one in tough circumstances...check!  We both have that in common!  I will get a bit emotional probably, as I recount how my eldest  - Faron - just graduated college early cum laude (whatever that means!) Sorry Latin language lovers, but I always want to say, 'come loudly'!!!  Sorry, sorry! Forgive me...that's terrible to say!  OMG - did she just say that?

Ok, back on track now! Where were we? Faron, that's right! We would talk about how we just waved goodbye to her at the airport, as she embarked on her next adventure in Columbia with the Peace Corps! (Gosh Barack, I sincerely hope 'what's his name' does not de-fund this rather wonderful organization by the way!  But don't worry, we won't talk politics at dinner till later on probably...a few Obam-a-tinis in, or maybe, not at all actually as, perhaps, you are 'slightly' over it!)

Anyway, I will tell you how grown up Faron looked saying goodbye to us for two years and, how all was going so well until she turned to go up the escalator, and then I see that she is wearing a back-pack with little London buses on it, that my mum gave to her. On a normal day, I would be fine with it, but I suddenly saw a flash-back of her headed into pre-school with her Dora the Explorer back-pack on!  How can I let a pre-schooler head off to Columbia alone with little double-deckers on her back?  What am I thinking?  Come back! Come back...

Too late...she's off, with a wave!  Ugh.

And the other girls - plenty to say about them too.  Hannah is at DePaul in Chicago...a place close to your hearts.  She is going to be a teacher.  Maia is at CalArts - one of the best art schools around but, apparently, it's a bit too pretentious and art-schooly for her!! (What did she expect at Art School?)  Oh teens! They never want to hear your advice. What her 'older' self would say to her 'younger' self, yada, yada...

And then last, but not least, we'd get to our youngest daughter - Eilidh - a junior in High School.  And yes, we will test you on how to pronounce her name though, I doubt you will flinch as no name has ever stumped you (Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Netanyahu to name but a few!)

I might, at this point, let you two talk a bit with Vik, whilst I dash off to the kitchen and poach the fish, in this awesome fish kettle I got for Christmas.  Also, I will feel compelled to make you something that needs to be whisked, in my other new Xmas present that I've never used yet, but that does looks positively terrific and sparkly on the counter...

So...there is much ground to cover in our dinner guys! I know you are just a little bit tempted - right?

(By the way, on Inauguration Day, I watched you go off, up the steps and into the big old helicopter, and found myself sobbing slightly.  I think part of my sobbing was relief for you two lovely souls, who were finally free. I wanted so much to be there to give you a drink and a hug and to say thanks so very, very much indeed.)  

Ok, so now you two 'retirees' got nothing better to do than play golf, eat bon-bons and frolic with the dogs, (oh and parent too, I guess!!!!), my point is, you MUST be able to spare us a night, some time before June?  Mid June is when my parents come from Scotland and will be occupying the spare room! Oh yes, I was imagining you'd stay the night too, and then we'd get up in the morning and walk the dogs up the hill and then have a lovely brunch in the garden etc etc...possibly attend our Church (we've just gone Episcopal, via Presbyterian, Catholic and Methodist - ever searching for an accepting House!) You both would love Rev. Lester McKenzie by the way!  I guarantee it.

You two could, of course, just simply move in?  Ok!  Sorry...creepy!  Too much Tori!

If you do decide to come after June however - which of course is an option - you'll just have to put up with my Dad telling inappropriate jokes and introducing himself to you as "Tori's younger brother"!  Ugh I know!  Sorry... it's awful!  A saving grace is that Mum does sing a lovely Robert Burns ballad when prompted and, Dad knows his golf and whisky so, this could also be do-able.  

Ok, so I eagerly await your reply with a date and any dietary restrictions. Also olive or a twist?

Very, very fondly yours and much love to you both in 2017

Tori and Vik

PS It goes without saying that the girls are welcome too of course - oor hoose is your hoose or whatever expression we Scots use...